This summer marks the end of an era of Belle’s life. She’s done with pre-school and in August will begin her journey through the educational system with Kindergarten. From there on out a rhythm will be established involving school years, Christmas breaks, Spring breaks, summers, and eventually me sitting on hot bleachers waiting to see her walk across the stage at her high school graduation.
A common refrain around our house, one Janelle and I heard first from Stacie Wood and keep telling ourselves to stay sane, is that “God intends children for our character, not our comfort.” That is to say, children are not just another avenue for us to make ourselves happy. There have been lots of studies and articles lately to show that parents are less happy than non-parents, and many use that to justify why they don’t have kids. Children do bring us joy but ultimately if we are seeking our own happiness through our kids we’re on the wrong track and it will end up messing them and us up. Children are a crucible through which God can form us in a number of ways. Here are some of the things God is using my role as Belle’s father to teach me.
I am unconditionally loved.
This is probably the biggest one and I got it right from the start. All my life I’ve heard that I’m unconditionally loved by God but that’s pretty difficult to believe. In the 4 1/2 years I’ve been a father I’ve come to understand on a deeper level the love God has for me. I’m a massively flawed human being but my love for Belle will always be there, no matter what she does, because she’s my daughter. Her actions may bring me joy or disappointment, but she will always have my love.
I am like Belle.
I’m impatient and fitful at times. I mess up when I should know better. I’m selfish and short-sighted. All the crazy things a little kid does are things we adults often do, but we know how to do it in more respectable ways. I don’t scream and cry about not getting my ice cream, but I get grumpy when I have to wait on someone who I think should have their stuff together already. I don’t rip toys out of my little sister’s hands, but I so often spend my time and money on myself instead of others. And my sin and selfishness has a way bigger impact than hers.
I am not as wise as I thought.
In parenting more than in any other arena I’ve experienced a feeling of helplessness and a sense that “I really have no idea what the best thing to do is.” When you only have yourself to take care of, or it’s just you and your spouse, it’s easier to arrange life so you have most things handled and most things make sense. Not so with kids. I also recall making some bold proclamations before I had kids regarding what I would and would not do as a parent. Any parent knows those bold proclamations go out the window. As with the old adage, every battle plan survives until you meet the enemy.
Fatherhood is leadership.
Belle really follows my example. Juliette and Fiona will as well. As my kids get a little older I’m realizing this more and more. I want my girls to live incredible, gospel-drenched, love-saturated, Jesus-following lives. It is so apparent to me that unless I am showing them love, modeling a submitted life, and leading them well, the chances of that happening go way down. Every day at work I see the results of all different kinds of parenting – and I’m reminded of the importance of a father. It is a tremendous responsibility and one I am not up to, honestly, without God’s help.
I desperately need God.
My real-life faith in God has grown significantly since Belle joined our family. That is, I believe more strongly than ever that God works in the every day. I believe more strongly than ever that without God’s grace working in me I’d be a pretty awful Dad. And if the most important thing for me to do is to be a father that raises Jesus-loving daughters, rather than nice or polite citizens of society, I absolutely need God to do it.
Those are a few of the things I’m learning through fatherhood, and Belle specifically. She changed my life forever on October 4, 2006, and God is using her to mold me in significant ways. I hope and pray every day that God uses me to mold her into the woman He made her to be. I want her to grow up with the analogy of God the Father being a good one. And I never want to make the mistake of thinking the purpose of Belle’s life is to make me happy. What a tragic way to look at parenthood.
