4 Reasons Why Being a One-Upper is Bad for You

You know what a one-upper is.  It’s the guy who’s already done what you had so much fun doing yesterday.  It’s the girl who got three hours of sleep to your four hours of sleep.  It’s the person you’ve never surprised because they already knew that.  It’s the kid from elementary school who always told you about awesome things his parents did.  It’s the guy with stories of his amazing exploits that put yours to shame.  It’s the obnoxious twerp who criticizes your love of the salsa at a restaurant because he’s had real salsa.

We all know one-uppers.  Truth be told, we all catch ourselves doing it sometimes.

Penelope from SNL is the perfect example of a one-upper.  See her at traffic school, a dinner party with Peyton Manning, or at a tenant meeting. 

One of my favorite TV characters of all time – who is in fact not a character – is Ben “Coach” Wade from recent Survivor seasons, who dubbed himself “The Dragon Slayer.”  The dude was a classic one-upper.  He told all kinds of stories about how awesome he was.  He claimed to know “Chong-Ra,” a martial art so mysterious and rare you can’t Google it and you can only learn it straight from the practitioners in their secret location.  The best story was about the time he got caught in the Amazon by a tribe of murderous pygmies.  Every part of the story is awesome.  It begins with him being dropped off by a military helicopter and it gets better from there.  Just when you think it’s as outrageous as it’s going to get, he takes it up a notch.  You owe it to yourself to watch it.  Really, watch it.  You won’t be sorry.

Right now I’m tempted to make this an entire post about why Coach is awesome but I can’t get lost here. 

I’m teaching a communication class this summer and am currently working on a communication unit with my sophomores.  One of the first series of lessons has to do with being a good listener.  As I put together a list of listening tips, it occurred to me that aside from the things we usually associate with good listening, not one-upping is important.  In fact, I’ve come up with a few reasons why being a one-upper is bad for you.

1. Nobody will want to talk to you.

If, every time somebody says something, you’ve got something better or more important to say, they’re going to stop talking to you.  Or they’ll just tolerate talking to you because they don’t want to be a jerk.  If you always bring the topic of conversation back to you – whether it’s something you know, something you’ve done, how you feel – people will stop wanting to involve you in their conversations.  And if there’s one thing a one-upper wants, it’s the attention of others.  One-upping is a sure way to minimize the good attention you get.

2.  Nobody will believe you.

When you do get attention, people will have to wonder if what you’re saying is true.  Let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that all the one-ups you have are legitimately true.  That is, every time you claim you knew something, or that you got less sleep, or that you’ve been there and done that – it’s true.  That doesn’t matter.  Nobody will believe you.  Consider it your burden to carry.  You have to live one of the most amazing lives ever, a life so simultaneously terrible and amazing, that nobody will believe it.  You’re like a real-life Cassandra, cursed to know the future but never believed.

3.  You won’t learn much.

When you one-up, you forego the opportunity to learn from others.  You either shut them down with your one-up so they stop talking, or you are so focused on yourself you can’t listen to what they have to say.  You may be wrong.  You may not have heard what they’re going to say.  You certainly haven’t heard it from their perspective.  You can learn so much from listening to what others have to say, even if you think you don’t need to.  One-upping lets your pride get in the way of learning.

4.  You’ll be miserable (or completely out of touch with reality).

When I think about the times I’ve one-upped (and there are plenty of examples in my life), it’s always been in an attempt to get approval or admiration.  It’s a prideful thing.  I want people to respect and admire me so I want to appear “in the know” or like I’m some kind of fount of knowledge.  So I one-up.  The problem is, one-upping has the opposite effect one-uppers intend.  Their goal is increased respect and admiration but all they get is eye-rolls and people distancing themselves.  This will either make the one-upper miserable because nobody respects them, or they will be out of touch with reality and believe people really do respect them.  Either way it’s a loss.

Think you have a one-upping problem?

You may be convinced that one-upping is bad but aren’t sure how to stop.  The key is to just pay attention to what you’re saying.  When you speak up and share something about yourself, or you compare your bad/good experiences to someone else’s – ask yourself “why did I just say that?”  Consider where your comment puts the focus on the conversation.  If it puts the focus on you chances are your contribution to the conversation was not appreciated. 

For most of my life I earned a reputation as a one-upper with regards to grammar and spelling. Whenever someone made an error in my presence they would know about it.  Of course I felt I was being gracious and saving them from embarrassing themselves – but in reality, nobody cared but pedantic nitpickers like me.  I finally realized it had earned me a reputation I didn’t want, and started to correct it by catching myself before I said things.  I now think before I speak.  Sometimes I don’t catch myself until it’s too late, and I still one-up in other ways, but I’m working on it.   

Where do you one-up?

If you want to consider the ways you might be a one-upper, consider the things you find vital to your identity.  Do you think you’re the funny one?  The smart one?  The adventurous one?  The technical one?  Whatever you base your identity on you will defend, and one-upping is one way to defend that. 

We all one-up at times because we all share the human condition of wanting to be loved and accepted.  If you try to find the things you base your sense of self-worth on, chances are you’ll find your area of greatest one-ups-manship and you can start to work on it.