What God is teaching me through Belle

This summer marks the end of an era of Belle’s life.  She’s done with pre-school and in August will begin her journey through the educational system with Kindergarten.  From there on out a rhythm will be established involving school years, Christmas breaks, Spring breaks, summers, and eventually me sitting on hot bleachers waiting to see her walk across the stage at her high school graduation.

A common refrain around our house, one Janelle and I heard first from Stacie Wood and keep telling ourselves to stay sane, is that “God intends children for our character, not our comfort.”  That is to say, children are not just another avenue for us to make ourselves happy.  There have been lots of studies and articles lately to show that parents are less happy than non-parents, and many use that to justify why they don’t have kids.  Children do bring us joy but ultimately if we are seeking our own happiness through our kids we’re on the wrong track and it will end up messing them and us up.  Children are a crucible through which God can form us in a number of ways.  Here are some of the things God is using my role as Belle’s father to teach me.

I am unconditionally loved.

This is probably the biggest one and I got it right from the start.  All my life I’ve heard that I’m unconditionally loved by God but that’s pretty difficult to believe.  In the 4 1/2 years I’ve been a father I’ve come to understand on a deeper level the love God has for me.  I’m a massively flawed human being but my love for Belle will always be there, no matter what she does, because she’s my daughter.  Her actions may bring me joy or disappointment, but she will always have my love.

I am like Belle.

I’m impatient and fitful at times.  I mess up when I should know better.  I’m selfish and short-sighted.  All the crazy things a little kid does are things we adults often do, but we know how to do it in more respectable ways.  I don’t scream and cry about not getting my ice cream, but I get grumpy when I have to wait on someone who I think should have their stuff together already.  I don’t rip toys out of my little sister’s hands, but I so often spend my time and money on myself instead of others.  And my sin and selfishness has a way bigger impact than hers.

I am not as wise as I thought.

In parenting more than in any other arena I’ve experienced a feeling of helplessness and a sense that “I really have no idea what the best thing to do is.”  When you only have yourself to take care of, or it’s just you and your spouse, it’s easier to arrange life so you have most things handled and most things make sense.  Not so with kids.  I also recall making some bold proclamations before I had kids regarding what I would and would not do as a parent.  Any parent knows those bold proclamations go out the window.  As with the old adage, every battle plan survives until you meet the enemy. 

Fatherhood is leadership.

Belle really follows my example.  Juliette and Fiona will as well.  As my kids get a little older I’m realizing this more and more.  I want my girls to live incredible, gospel-drenched, love-saturated, Jesus-following lives. It is so apparent to me that unless I am showing them love, modeling a submitted life, and leading them well, the chances of that happening go way down.  Every day at work I see the results of all different kinds of parenting – and I’m reminded of the importance of a father.  It is a tremendous responsibility and one I am not up to, honestly, without God’s help.

I desperately need God.

My real-life faith in God has grown significantly since Belle joined our family.  That is, I believe more strongly than ever that God works in the every day.  I believe more strongly than ever that without God’s grace working in me I’d be a pretty awful Dad.  And if the most important thing for me to do is to be a father that raises Jesus-loving daughters, rather than nice or polite citizens of society, I absolutely need God to do it.

Those are a few of the things I’m learning through fatherhood, and Belle specifically.  She changed my life forever on October 4, 2006, and God is using her to mold me in significant ways.  I hope and pray every day that God uses me to mold her into the woman He made her to be.  I want her to grow up with the analogy of God the Father being a good one.  And I never want to make the mistake of thinking the purpose of Belle’s life is to make me happy.  What a tragic way to look at parenthood.

A missed opportunity

This past weekend at South Bay, Filipe preached on three perspective shifts regarding service and serving others that should come when we seek to follow Christ.  One of these shifts was that when we look at the need, see the opportunity.  That is, the existence of a need is an opportunity for us to do something about it and in so doing bring more glory to God. 

In making this point, Filipe shared about a time when he felt it very strongly impressed upon him that he should offer an obviously inebriated man a ride.  This man was ambling around in circles in a dark parking lot by himself.  At first Filipe drove past and tried to suppress the feeling for reasons that should be familiar to all of us.  Upon reaching the end of the street he couldn’t suppress it any more and turned around to go offer the man a ride.  It turned out the man was so lonely he’d gotten drunk so he could screw up the courage to kill himself, and as he walked in circles in that parking lot he was trying to figure out how to do it.  But because Filipe took the opportunity, that man’s night went very differently.

As Filipe told the story it clearly reminded me of a similar experience I had in college.  I’d stopped at a 7-11 to get a coffee (I was desperate for coffee) on my way up to campus, and outside there was what looked like a homeless woman.  I did my best to avoid eye contact as I went in and got my coffee, but as I served the coffee up for myself I had this strong sense that I should go ask the woman if I could get her anything. 

It’s hard to describe this “sense” I’m talking about or exactly what it felt like.  I’d say the thought entered my mind but that doesn’t capture it.  I’d say I felt a compulsion in my heart but it was more distinct than that.  Whatever it was exactly, it’s clear to me now and was even clear at the time that it was something God wanted me to do.  He wanted me to speak to that woman like a human being and offer her at least a cup of coffee – something that I could more than spare the dollar-fifty for.

I suppressed this feeling for two main reasons.  First, I didn’t know how she would react and I was scared of it.  Second, I convinced myself I needed to hurry to get to campus.  Both of those were crap but it’s how I justified my inaction.

I steeled my nerves against the compassionate impulses, paid for my coffee, and marched back to my car with my head down.  My heart was pounding at this point and it’s one of the few distinct times in my life I had the strong sense that I was directly choosing disobedience to a clear command of God.  I sin regularly but it doesn’t always hit my heart so strongly.  I sat in the car for a moment, started it up, and continued on my way up Harder Road to campus.

I hit a red light right away and sat there thinking about what I was (not) doing.  After a few blocks of driving I couldn’t stand it anymore and turned around to see if the woman was still there.  When I got back to the 7-11, not more than seven minutes after I left, the woman was nowhere to be seen.  I’d missed the opportunity.  I felt like a failure.  Probably because I was. 

Who knows what difference, if any, my interaction would’ve had on that woman’s life.  That wasn’t really the issue though.  The issue was: do I care more about my discomfort and time or do I care more about obeying God and extending His love and grace to others? 

At that point the answer was the former.  I hope and pray that as time goes by and I grow, the answer will more commonly be the latter.  Thank God that He works with me through my ridiculous selfishness.